Gone are the sweet summer days of the newly betrothed Biebers, Justin and Hailey, running around New York making out and crying, then making out again and crying again. Smoochable summerwear included crop tops and cutoffs paired with scrunchies, hoops, and hats for Hailey. Justin wore ‘90s-baggy basketball shorts, tie-dye socks, and Joe Dirt hair. Some thought this was the golden age of terrible dressing—our punk-rock bottom.
But the kooky couple has only upped (downed?) the ante since their secret nuptials in September. For two people who are very, very, very rich, it seems they really love to appear as if they’ve been living out of their car. Over the summer, outlets like Vanity Fair designated Bieber as the King of the Scumbros, but now that the couple is in this together, they are officially both scumbaes.
The Haircut™
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You know those annoying couples that somehow morph into each other? Giselle and Tom Brady could be twins. J.LO and A-Rod, another hot example of twins. And of course, Brad Pitt and literally any of his girlfriends. (The man loves to twin!)
One step on the road to couple symmetry is a haircut. Hailey has been rocking the bob since she first appeared in Kylie Jenner’s vine story in the early 2000s and it’s very likely Justin Bieber has also not washed or cut his strands since then. The messy, grungy, dirty blondes sport the same lob. Baldwin’s lob is more stylized than the Biebs. who will add a hat and headband on occasion, with Baldwin opting for scrunchies, top knots, and slick ponytails. When they both let their hair down, it’s probably a lot like looking in a mirror (or at a poster of Bret Michaels.)
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A Few Items of Clothing From a Bed and Breakfast Abandoned in 1985
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The year is 1985. You’re ready for a bitchin’ good time with your besties in a cabin away from mom and dad that you found online got from asking a fellow human you know. You’ve forgotten your duffle bag in your parents’ Subaru, so you look in the cottage closet to see if there’s anything you can possibly wear. What’s in there? Old school technicolor windbreakers, joggers that aren’t your size but will have to do, and scrunchies straight out of a John Hughes movie. This appears to be the scene every time Justin Bieber and Hailey Baldwin step into their closets.
All Yeezus Everything
The Lord Jesus and Yeezus reign supreme in the Bieber/Baldwin household. The couple has not stopped wearing Kanye’s Adidas sneakers even after Kanye’s called slavery a choice. Maybe they’re campaigning to star in the next Yeezy campaign, maybe Kris Jenner manages them both, or maybe they are moving to Calabasas. Justin Bieber once hoped Anne Frank would have been a Belieber, so it’s possible both he and Kanye share their complete disassociation with everyday modern life.
Dad Caught Running To The Bodega Chic
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Hot guys love grey sweatpants, and so does Hailey Bieber. The model seems to only own bikinis in XXS and sweatshirts in XXXL. JB dons the gray sweat occasionally, but we can’t blame him for steering clear after his dad proudly tweeted about his, uh, Belieber.
“I’ll Get More Ice” Hotel Slippers
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Should we expect a man who once left a monkey in airport custody to ever wear an actual pair of shoes? At some point, this is on us. He also recently launched his own line of hotel slippers—Hailey Baldwin modeled—through his new clothing line Drew House.
Comically Oversized Clothing
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The duo made their New York return wearing the latest cops from the Big and Tall store. Justin Bieber is one of the many men of Hollywood who say 5’10 but mean 5’6. Runway model Hailey Bieber is also on the short side but, again, dresses like she still hasn’t adapted to an extremely life-altering weight loss. To be fair, New York is cold enough to necessitate layers, but Sumo-wrestler coats are a tad excessive.
Couple Coordination
This is the one aspect of this look where there appears to be some effort. The red hat (MAGA-esque in color—another indication of their inability to read any room), with the coordinating red shirt on Justin, the green accents? It’s almost as if they are a young new couple headed to the local mall to take professional glossy photos so they can hang them in their lockers.